My Fistula, My Constant Reminder

My fistula is my constant reminder that transplant is treatment, not a cure.

It's still alive to the touch and buzzes with the flow of blood. The technical term is the "thrill." Even though a year and a half have passed since my last dialysis, my fistula never lets me forget.  It started aching a while back and seemed to grow weak, but renewed flexing and exercising the forearm have brought it back and I think it's even stronger now than it was. I can feel its presence almost up to my elbow. In quiet moments, I find myself running my fingers over the vein, feeling life pulsing through my arm. A touch-point.

The fistula is the access for dialysis needles, created by joining a high pressure artery and a low pressure vein. The veins are chosen for their relative pressure and proximity to the surface to facilitate ease of the sticks. Mine is in my left fore-arm just above (below?) the wrist. It originally diverted about 50% of the blood going to my hand and turned it right around back to the heart. Like in Star-Trek when they looped an orbit around the sun to pickup speed, it's designed to carry huge volumes of traffic at high-speeds. During treatments, the needles were placed in different locations over the 6" span. The main access points are raised over the normal surface of the arm and are visibly prominent. The aneurysms of most fistulas are much larger than mine. My veins run deep in my arm which made life difficult when needles were placed by someone not familiar with my access.

A rejection episode could begin tomorrow, next week, next month or next year.  Rejections are usually treated by adjustments to medications made in a hospital under close observation. But if the graft kidney should fail, dialysis is always there as a life-saving alternative.

The darned thing can keep me awake at night if the fistula is in contact with a pillow or the mattress. The pulse is so strong that it resonates through the bedding and vibrates in my ear. Loud and demanding. Not unlike a jackhammer or a bad hangover.

But, I adjust. It's my lifeline.